oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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