Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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