Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Randomize
