I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
