what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
