For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
