i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
