I accidentally burped into my bong.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
