life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
