Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
