how hairy? two words: wookie tits
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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