white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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