I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
