So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
whose ass print is on the piano?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
