I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
