i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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