so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
A bitchslap is in order.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
