I wish I could teleport
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
