I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
