Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I supernannyed him into submission
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
