remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Randomize
