I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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