it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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