I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
