I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I will die if light touches me.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
