Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
