I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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