Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Randomize
