I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
