M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
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