K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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