U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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