onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
