Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
