now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
