trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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