dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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