dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
