dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
