i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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