I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize