Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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