I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Randomize
