HIV tests are more positive than that guy
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
