the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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