dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
