think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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