Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
