In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
