my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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