This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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