my vag is so smooth its legendary
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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