before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Randomize
