i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
