Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
