i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
