I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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