Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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