when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
