Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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