you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
