she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
