Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
