her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
